Ray (ragefreakonpxil) wrote,

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No one is to know about this

I feel as if I have been tested by whom I don't know but if it was a test then I've passed I feel a lot of weight lifted off my chest I feel, as there is a point to go on my thoughts are gone and I feel good again.. Family issues are somewhat good..(for now) but I rather have peace even if its brief, then deal anymore with what happened it got to the point where I almost and no one knew this at all where I was going to kill myself.yea I almost did it I had the belt around my neck and everything note ready and all I was ready to do it I was ready to end the pain I could not take it anymore I did not know what to do and I was overwhelmed with so much I had a breakdown it was the day of Sarah's birthday where I was going to end my life . For almost a month and more everyone would come up to me and ask me what's wrong and I reply"nothing" when in fact I was lost confused and did not want to talk because I felt if I talked I would then tell someone what my intention were so they could not stop me or tell someone so I kept to myself closing off the world standard Ray stuff when I get in those moods. And I was going to do so and I for a brief second I was going to do it and then. I did I fucking tied the belt to the light and I hung myself and I don't know what but it was not the fear of dying that stopped me but something I don't know what but I just did not and I cut the belt and fell to the floor.but I just found it weird because I did not want to cut the belt No one knew why I did that and I stood there thinking to myself with my bloodshot eyes staring at the hole in my ceiling pissed at myself for cutting it I was going to do it again and as if my hands did not respond to myself they would not let me I did not have the will to get up and for a moment I thought I was paralyzed I fell asleep on the very spot that I landed and I had a dream and I saw a lot of people I met in my life and I don't remember much of it but all I know when I woke up for the first time in a long time I woke up with a feeling of optimism that I could not explain. I got up and then I remembered it was St. patty's day I completely forgot and I said to myself I will enjoy my life I wont let shit get to me anymore and I did not and I went out got drunk smoked some pot and fucking enjoyed myself I slept in Sarah's house and then I had to go home for a bit because my mother who kicked me out the other day wanted to have an intervention with my father, my step mother, my mother, and my step father.. and so when I went back home for that I sat down and talked to them they of course think I am like a heroine addict and everything bad you can think of.. so after they said there part and everything I basically told them how I felt I told them that I have had it with everything that I am tired of then fucking messing up my plans I am tired of them fucking trying to justify what they want I am aware that I don't help with money in this house and that's because I have none because HELLO I SPENT IT ALL ON SKOOL and yea I am getting a job but still wont give them shit because I have school and I wont help ever ok if she wants to kick me out then go ahead because it wont stop me I am not my dad I don't back down and give in you got the wrong Ray.and after everything was settled I went off not to return for 3 days.(because spring break was ending and I wanted to enjoy it and I did)..

So yea I almost killed myself I almost ended my life no one knows well until someone reads this I am not looking for pity cause I hate pity give that to someone in Ethiopia as for me I am doing great now I realized a lot in the past three days that life is worth living if you can learn not to let the bad things get you and I did. Lately life is just good cold out side but feels like spring to me
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